Dali's Rhino screenplay

FADE IN:Black and white film of Salvador Dali. He is gesticulating to a painting "The Lacemaker" by Vermeer.

Voice over
It's March 1955. Dali goes to the French government, right, and he says 'Here, I've always liked this painting, The Lacemaker, right, and I want to paint a copy of it.

The film changes to show Dali entering a room and guards taking up positions outside.

Voice over
So they let him borrow this picture, but he's under guard because it's so valuable. For four days he's inside the room with this painting, and then out he comes.

Dali emerges with a stack of canvasses. Each one has a crude painting of a rhino horn on it. None show the lacemaker. The waiting crowd are confused and angry.

Voice over
All he's done is paint rhino horns. Dozens of 'em. He said the needle in the Lacemaker picture had the power of a rhino horn to him. Said the geometric composition of the picture matched the mathematical curve of a rhino's horn too. Then he went to the zoo.

Dali is in the rhino enclosure at Paris zoo. The rhino is uninterested in Dali and the enormous reproduction of the Lacemaker he has brought with him. Dali taunts the rhino, trying to get it to charge the painting but it won't budge. Finally Dali charges through the picture himself, wielding a lance.

INT. Dali's Rhino café, london. Day.

Dali's paintings line the walls of the café and the phone on the end of the counter has a lobster for a receiver.
STEVE is leaning on a portable television which is showing the black and white film of Dali. He would be handsome if he made the effort, but running the café is sucking the life from him. Only his eyes reflect his interest in talking about Dali, his obsession. The customer in front of him is confused by the film and a little afraid of Steve's enthusiasm.


The customer
So he was a nutcase. I thought everyone knew that. Barking mad, painted dreams and all that. What's the big deal about this rhino stuff?

Steve
No, he wasn't mad, that's the mistake everyone makes. Just 'cos there's no logic to a lot of his work doesn't make him mad. My point is, why the sudden insistence on copying the Vermeer? He could have reproduced it from any number of prints, and if he was only going to use it for taunting a poor rhino, what did it matter?

The customer shrugs. He's losing interest rapidly and keeps glancing at the door.
The customer
A publicity stunt then. I mean, you're still talking about it fifty years later, so it did some good didn't it?

This is meant to be a departure line, and he gets to his feet, but Steve follows him back to the door, still talking.

Steve
But it doesn't make sense. He was already famous, he could have done any kind of stunt and no one would have batted an eyelid. Why did he want the painting?

The customer has reached the door and is trying to close it in Steve's face.

The customer
I guess we'll never know, eh? Thanks for the meal, bye now.

He slams the door. Steve shakes his head and slouches back behind the counter, dragging the man's empty plate across and dumping it on the serving hatch behind him. DON, a regular at the café who is wolfing down a huge fried breakfast, stops shoveling long enough to grin at Steve.

Don
No one understands the man like you do, right Steve?

Steve
You know it doesn't make sense, don't you Don?

Don
You've told me often enough, mate. He borrows the picture but doesn't produce the copy. When he comes out he makes a big song and dance so everyone is looking at the stupid rhino stunt, and no one thinks 'What did he really do in there?'

Steve interrupts and Don takes the opportunity to stuff another forkload into his mouth.

Steve
And what he did was paint a knock-off of the real painting and pulled a switch. That's why he needed four days, to let the fake dry. Then with all the fuss about the rhino horns, no one's looking to see if the painting's a fake because he never bloody painted it, right?

Don nods, still chewing like a camel in a toffee factory. Steve nods his head slowly, staring off into the past.

Steve
I tell you mate, if it wasn't for this place I'd go and find out for sure. Off to Spain and hunt round the Dali museum, look for clues.

After swallowing heroically, Don gets to chip in.

Don
Like he'd have left a note saying 'I faked the Van Dyke.'

Steve
Vermeer.

Don
Whoever.

Steve
He liked clever people Don, and he didn't care if they liked him or not. I reckon if he made a fake he'd leave a way for people to find out. He'd want someone to know how clever he'd been.

The bell over the door jangles as the door is thrown back. Steve's wife stalks in, swaying slightly on her high heels. She is a looker, but only because she's trying so hard. Her hair is thick with hairspray, her face could be peeled off complete and her clothes are tighter than cling film. Even Don stops eating as she walks in. She slaps a sheaf of papers in front of Steve and hands him a pen.

Steve's wife
Sign these. Here, here, here and here. These two are your copies.

Taking the top two copies she saunters out without a backward glance. Steve is still in his Dali daydream so Don pulls the papers around so he can read them.

Don
Steve, do you know what you just signed, mate?

Steve
(Distantly)
Ah, she's always bringing me stuff to sign. Brains of the business, my wife is.

Don flips the papers back to Steve

Don
Not any more, she isn't. These are divorce papers.

Steve looks down, startled.

EXT. Dali's Rhino cafe, Spain
Caption 'Figueres, Spain, birthplace of Salvador Dali'
Steve exits the café and walks across the town square. He is tanned and casual, less stressed than when we last saw him.
As he walks he pulls out a battered book on Dali from his hip pocket. Engrossed in the book he crashes into the stall of a dark haired young female artist. Her name is RIGA and she is furious with him, unloading a torrent of vicious Spanish.

Steve
Oh shit, God, I'm sorry.

He scrabbles around trying to help her collect her scattered paintings. He treads on one, picks up the one she was working on, smearing the wet paint and finally trips on her easel bringing the rest of the pictures down too. Steve sits dazed amongst the debris. Riga looks down at him, then extends a shapely hand. Once Steve is on his feet, she picks up a hefty piece of the easel and thwacks him in the testicles. He raises his face while doubled over, just in time for her to land the perfect punch on his nose. He goes down again.

EXT. The Steps of St Peter’s church, figueres

PEDRO dumps some water on Steve's face to bring him round. He's the manager of the Spanish Dali's Rhino café and is still wearing his 'Dali's Rhino' T-shirt.

pedro
Hey, Boss, are you ok?

Steve groans and raises a cautious hand to his nose. It's already swelling and he moans again.

Steve
Did you get the licence number?

Pedro
What?

Steve
I was hit by a truck, wasn't I? Oh my sodding nose.

Pedro
(offering a dishcloth)
Here. Use this. Get the water on it, eh? Ok, is better.

Clutching the cloth to his face, Steve struggles to sit up. He scans the square, moving his head gently. Riga is just visible, her stall restored and she is painting frantically.

Steve
Who's that?

Pedro
Who?

Steve
The psycho with the paintpots and the swift right hand. The girl.

Pedro
What girl, Boss?

Steve
Shit, Pedro, how many girls do you see? The girl doing the bloody painting.

He pulls the cloth away gingerly and gently presses his nose, winces and replaces the cloth.

Pedro
Ah. Senorita Riga. Yes, all day she paints. Sells pictures to tourists. Very nice.

Steve
The pictures?

Pedro
No, the…..

He can't think of the words, so holds his hands in front of his chest and jiggles them in the universal sign for 'breasts'.

Steve
I'll have to take your word for that, mate. I didn't get much of a look before she flattened my goolies and broke my nose.

Pedro
You knocked over her paintings, boss.

Steve turns to look at him.

Steve
You were watching?

Pedro
Everyone saw.

He waves at the café. Some faces are still visible at the windows.

Pedro
Very funny.

Steve sighs for his lost esteem.

Steve
Pedro, get me some fresh flowers from the café. The ones for the tables.

Pedro
Flowers boss?

Steve
I have to go and apologise to a lady. Say it with flowers and all that.

Pedro
Ok, is your funeral.